Well, I figured out that I have yet to write anything here so I thought now would be a good time to submit something, while I'm in the writing kind of mood. My, once, best friend told me that things that I write sound like things from a book. When I look back on certain things I have written I kind of agree. Usually, it's letters. Most of those letters are to Phillip. I guess you could say thinking about him makes me want to write. I have letters upon letters that I have written to him. Things that I have wanted to tell him or say to him or just thinking back on those special memories that we shared. It always just makes me want to write. So I pour my heart and soul into these letters that he has yet to read. I have at least 7 hand written letters and even more than that just typed in my online journal. I spoke to him a few nights ago and told him that there were so many things that I needed to tell him. Just alot of things that I wanted to spill. I just wanted to tell him how I feel about everything now. But, I didn't get the chance. I wanted to tell him these things over the phone where he could hear how I felt rather than read how I felt. Needless to say, I didn't get to opporotunity to do so. He couldn't. I just want him to know so many things. But I realize now that even though there are so many things that I want him to know, he will never know them, and he doesn't really want to know them. This is a letter I wrote to him a little over a week ago: Phillip,
Been thinking alot lately. Well, maybe not alot lately, but tonight in particular. I re read some of the old emails that you and I sent to eachother. Wow, we really were in love weren't we? I know now what messed everything up. What ended it all. My jealousy. I want you to know something. I'm not bitter about it all anymore. I understand thatyou have fallen in love with someone else and she is who you want. I don't hate you. Never really did. I tried and tried but my heart wouldn't let me. I've grown up so much since we've broken up. I know that it's only been 7 or 8 months but I can see how much I have grown and matured. I know that you saw it too that night at my house after our drive. I saw a flicker of my phillip that night but he went away again. I know that you are someone else now and love someone else. There are days at a time now that you don't cross my mind. There are times when I think to myself "Hey maybe you really can get over him" but then there are nights like tonight when I cry about you for hours at a time and think back on those great memories that we shared. Oh god. We just loved eachother so much. Nothing else mattered for a while there. Then jealousy and doubt and distrust came into it all and ruined everything. I know that it was MY jealousy and distrust that fucked it all up. I know it is. I know that I am the reason that I lost you. I know now that I pushed you away. And now I push everyone away. There are those nights still though that I sit in the rain hoping that you will just be there. I remember when we broke up one of the last times, you promised that you would be there. One day, maybe 20 years in the future, you will find me one night and just be standing in my yard in the pouring rain, just smiling. And I will just know why you're there. I wish I still had hope that that would really happen. Like I already said, I've grown up. I know that you aren't mine anymore and you never will be. But I read back over those emails and look through the drawer of yours with all of your things in it and how that shirt STILL smells like you and I can remember our love. It really happened, didn't it? We were young and in love. Boy, were we in love.

I would really like to hear honest opinons of my writing. I know it isn't the best in the world and it's only a letter to him but it came straight from my heart. I'll be writing more on here when I can. I will post the occasional letter that I have written to him and such. I want your honest opinion of my writing though.. Truth.